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Survival Guide To Scott Walker’s Courthouse

Posted by Chris Liebenthal on March 10, 2010

From Milwaukee County First:

If you live in Milwaukee County, odds are at some time in your life, you will have to go the the Milwaukee County Courthouse at some point in time.  You may get summoned for jury duty, you may want to get married and need a license, you may need a copy of your birth certificate or other document, or you might have to appear in court for something.

But whatever your reason for going to the courthouse may be, you should take a few precautions and prepare for it, so that your day will be more pleasurable and  a lot safer.  So as a public service, we are offering you our Survival Guide to Scott Walker’s Courthouse.

First, you will need to gather the necessary equipment:

Hard hat

Hiking Boots

Lots of money

Toilet paper


Baseball bat (with or without spikes)

Once you gather all of these items, you will be set.

Unless you take the bus, you will need your boots and/or cash right away upon reaching downtown.  You will have a choice of parking in a parking lot like MacArthur Square which is very expensive or parking farther away and hiking it to the courthouse.

Once you approach the Courthouse, you should put on your hard hat, in case another chunk of its concrete decorative molding comes breaking off due to years of deferred maintenance.  The hiking boots could come in handy to help you scale over the rubble already on the ground, since Walker has laid off  the maintenance workers, and no one is there to clean it up.

Once you make it inside the building, you will encounter a checkpoint.  These checkpoints, for the rest of this week, will be staffed with the usual county security guards.  There will also be Wackenhut private security guards and Milwaukee County Sheriff Deputies as well.  Well, maybe not Wackenhut guards since the company thinks that only showing up 72% of the time is acceptable.

The security check point is where you will need more of that wad of cash you brought, whether the Wackenhut guards are there or not.  Wackenhut has a history of overbilling and defrauding governments for services not rendered, including Scott Walker’s administration.

You will also need the cash to help pay for the overtime costs that are being racked up by the deputies to make sure that the Wackenhut guards are actually doing their jobs.

Once you get past the security check point, be prepared for a long wait.  This is due to the bogged down legal system caused by all the furlough days that Scott Walker ordered  in order to try to cover for his illegally deficit-ridden budget.

But the wait itself could be problematic.  If you are waiting for a long time, odds are you might need to use the restroom.  This is why you will need the toilet paper and the plunger.   Yes, we know it’s disgusting to contemplate, but it is unlikely that Scott Walker would allow you to use his toilet, since it is the only one that is stocked and cleaned in the entire building.

When you are not busy cleaning the toilet or guarding your hoarded toilet paper from those who didn’t use our guide, you might find you will need to use the baseball bat (with or without nails) to kill the rodents that are scurrying around the place.  You may also wish to have a can (or several cans) of Raid Insecticide at hand for the cockroaches.

Once your business at the Courthouse is complete, please remember to put your hard hat back on and move along quickly to make it least likely to be struck by the falling concrete.

If you follow these basic steps, and come well-prepared, we are sure you will survive your trip to Scott Walker’s Courthouse.  You might not enjoy it, but at least you will survive it.


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